I hadn’t realised that during chemotherapy (dependent upon what drug regime you are on) you lose ALL your body hair. EVERYWHERE. Now whilst this saves on the pennies as there’s no need to buy razors/creams or go visit your hairdresser you are likely to need tissues as you lose your nose hair, eyelashes and brows. I initially tried recreating eyebrows with pencil (my amazing girlfriend went shopping for me as I was classed as vulnerable). After a while I searched the internet and found rave reviews about eyebrow transfers. A quick google and I found lots, different colours, shapes and hair thickness. They were only a few pounds. Utube is amazing for understanding anything. I bought mine from eBay. They literally are like the childhood transfers that some of us of a certain age will remember. The ‘lick and stick’ transfer. They work best with no hair at all. Chemotherapy had taken all mine. I found that if my cleansing routine was careful, I could get these transfers to last a couple of days. Rub too hard and they will come off. Below is how I applied them. There is also a picture of me wearing them (the one in the silver bobble hat). Honestly, no-one could tell……. It helped me enormously on days when we went out (usually for my treatment).

What I found the most challenging was how sore my eyes became without lashes to protect my eyes; they continually leaked water. After treatment I used a couple of different false lash types. Mostly when we went out (covid permitting). The usual glue on type I found them a bit of a faff, but that is likely to my own lack of expertise and fumbling fingers and the fact I think they work better with your own lash. These are inexpensive and if you’re careful taking them off you can get quite a bit of reuse out them. You can buy them from anywhere (even your local supermarkets). If you’re not sure how to apply use Utube.

I also tried the magnetic lashes with magnetic eyeliner. These were definitely easier to apply, and you can buy so many different lash types. These are more expensive (mine cost just under £30).

I had heard about ‘chemo curls’ and the breast care team told me that many ladies detail how their hair came back a different colour or hair thickness. Some said that it came back curly and stayed even after a trip to their hairdressers. Others said that their hair was slow to return, or that when it did it was fine and brittle. You can see from the photographs in the gallery that mine came in slow and it was dark. My last chemotherapy session was in August 2020 and by Christmas I had dark covering of soft hair. Within 6/7 months the chemo curls were in full flow and my hair resembled something out of the 1980’s. I take hair and nail supplements and use an argon oil after each shampoo. In the early stages of my hair regrowth, I used a soft bristled brush to rub my scalp/hair follicles. Now I have no scientific evidence that this will help everyone, but my hair returned healthy and quite quickly.

The video below represents the return of the platinum pixie.

• I take a hair and nail supplement (checked with my oncologist to make sure it does not interfere with my cancer medication).

• Use a good oil treatment and massage into the hair/scalp daily. Brush the scalp with a soft bristled brush as this is supposed to stimulate the scalp/hair follicle.

So, after the surgeries and chemotherapy come the next stage of recovery. Rebuilding the ‘new me’ and that included nipples. I had decided that I wanted permanent 3D nipple and areola tattooing from a specialist tattooist. However, these are costly! Some charge up to £200 per nipple or £300 for bilateral tattoo. At that time, it was just too expensive for me. My local hospital offered me nipple and areole tattooing in December 2020. Whilst I was so very grateful for the nhs service I quickly learnt that they were not experienced in tattooing and you can see from the images that the colour, detail and general appearance is not great. They do complete training however they are first and foremost nurses that have attended a short course. I did ask for photographs of other ladies the had tattooed and what type of inks they used. They assured me the nhs had invested in the newest ink and the best local training. I desperately wanted my foobs to look more like the old me and so I put my trust in the lovely nurses. I was disappointed and if anything, it actually made me feel worse about myself.

On the first set of photographs, you can see that they attempted a colour match (remember earlier I suggested you take a photograph of your own boobs, this is why). Sadly, the colour match was not accurate and the detail on the areola and nipple is very poor.

There are significant differences between a standard tattooist and a professional that provides tattoos after breast cancer. As before, with the power of google I found Kaz (google Mastectomy tattoos by Kaz). She is brilliant!

I had enquired with her prior to the nhs offer and learnt that she was the only artist within my geographical area that provided this service. I also found out that The Nipple Innovation Project provide funding to men and women that have had breast cancer and want restorative nipple tattooing. There work is outstanding, and they provide funding to registered tattooist’s up and down the country. I was contacted by Kaz to share that I had been chosen to receive their funding for my 3D tattoos. I was ecstatic.

If tattooing is not for you there are other options. You can see that I also used ‘nippleback’ transfers. These were provided by Kaz as an interim whilst I waited for my tattoos. These are brilliant as they not only come in different colours, but they also allow you to decide on shape. If you google them, you can easily find a stockist.

• If you can take a photograph of your own boobs before surgery. It can help you decide if you want to try to replicate your own areola and nipple and it will also help the tattoo artist.

• Have a try with the transfers before making your decision. It may be that you choose an image rather than a 3D tattoo.

• Have a look at the ‘nip’ website as they have an artist directory that has completed their training. You can also email them directly info@nipcharity.org

• Always check out any artist with photographs/ reviews of the work. Ask them directly if they have funding via nip for cancer survivors tattooing. If they don’t when you initially enquire it could be that they receive some not long afterwards and you could be considered.

• Most artists do have ways for people in financial hardship to still have 3D tattooing; it’s worth asking. Some even offer this service free. Always check out first their work and training.

• Nhs tattooing is a wonderful service but remember the type of inks they use are not permanent and you will see fading and require regular ‘top ups’. This also means more skin trauma to an already compromised foob.

• Professional 3D tattooing is permanent and once completed (usually takes 2 sittings) lasts.

Post cancer care.

After active treatment the oncologist considered my longer-term health plan. Because my ba@*%rd lodgers were hormone positive it meant that I needed longer term drugs to stop my ovaries from producing hormones. As I was considered peri menopausal prior to my diagnosis (and as the blood test confirmed after chemotherapy) that my ovaries were functioning like that “of 70-year-old women”. Charming! it’s not enough that my body was deconstructed like an apple crumble on MasterChef, I’ve also aged 20 years. Blood tests confirmed that I was post-menopausal. Medically slam dunked into the menopause.

My plan is a daily anastrozole tablet, twice daily calcium and vitamin D supplement. I also had a 3 monthly hormone suppressant injection (at my GPs) along with a 6 monthly bisphosphonate infusion (by cannula) at the hospital. This plan is signed off by my oncologist and the prescription is provided by my GP. There is very little oversight, I was sent on my way and advised to get on with my life. That is easier said than done! I felt lost and really scared. How could I trust my body again after it had deceived me. I wasn’t sure how I would manage the balance of wanting to live my life against the threat of a reoccurrence. How would I balance vigilance against anxiety.

My anastrozole tablet is prescribed for 10 years and has many side effects. If you struggle go back to your oncologist. I stopped with my hormone suppressant injection once my Brca2 diagnosis was confirmed, and I had risk reducing surgery. Cancer! The gift that kept on giving.. .

I have been lucky as I think my side effects are minimal. Now I’m not saying that they don’t cause me pain, they do. Within the first couple of weeks the bone pain was significant (hip, leg and ankle) and I often now struggle with sleep. My hair feels more brittle and finer and it’s a real struggle keeping the weight off (not something I have ever struggled with before). After research I found that lots of ladies take supplements. I would always advise checking with your treating team that whatever you’re thinking of taking does not interfere with your regime. I take Montmorency tart cherry in its highest dose (50:1) twice a day. Some ladies I’ve spoken with take antihistamine. These are to help with joint pain.

The advice is also to have regular check ups with your dentist as the anastrozole can cause osteoporosis and impact upon the jaw. Let your dentist know you are having bisphosphonate either tablet or infusion and make sure you attend regularly.

Due to my bilateral mastectomy straight to implant I learnt after surgery that I DO NOT fall into the Nhs breast screening programme! I was ASTOUNDED to learn that my future foob care is reliant upon my own vigilance and self-examination. My fear and anxiety were at its highest as the advice regarding what signs to look for are very similar to the side effects from the anastrozole drug. Go figure!? I also found some really useful information for checking your foobs with implants. This links provides some reassurances for what signs to look out for and also how and where to look it’s not just the foob area; it’s the tissue from your rib cage up to your collarbone and under your armpits.

My breast care team is directly available for 5 years post treatment and I have called them for advice and a yearly foob examination since August 2020. Don’t be afraid to check out any worries or changes in your breast/foob or scars with your team. It’s always really important to understand the signs and symptoms of secondaries. I found this amazing page called ‘after breast cancer diagnosis’ or ‘abcdiagnosis’ that has lots of information and more importantly ‘red flags’ that help you recognise a reoccurrence. This page is signposted by NHS England.

• Explore with your oncologist the drug regime and benefits for you and your type of cancer. Taking long-term drugs may not be for everyone so it’s worth the discussion. Only you can make the decision.

• Use your breast care team for any queries; remember that no question is a daft one! Ask for a physical examination if you want some reassurance. I did, it helped.

• Check out with your oncologist any supplement that you consider taking alongside your prescribed cancer drugs. I take tart cherry and a hair and nail supplement (all approved).

• Nettle tea is reported to help with hot flushes. Ive learnt that the cooling mats are great help at nighttime.

• Given the risk of osteoporosis ask for a bone density scan before or as you start taking this medication. You may hear it called a DEXA scan. You will then have a baseline for the future if you have worries about your bones. In my experience they don’t offer it routinely and therefore ask. I did. It’s basically an Xray of your hip bone and it is painless.

• Try taking your tablets either in the morning or teatime. I take mine in the evening and whilst I have hot flashes (I call them volcanic flashes) its easier for me to manage.

• Ask your GP to write on your prescription whichever is your chosen brand. The different brands have different fillers and, in my experience, may give you different side effects. When you find one that works for you try and stick with it.

• If you have worries about secondary breast cancer, take a look at abcd webpage. Always speak to your breast care nurses, oncologist or GP.

Where do I start. I desperately wanted to return to work as I felt that this would draw a line and I could focus on returning to the ‘Clare’ before my diagnosis. Return to being the dedicated professional at the top of my career where I had consistently demonstrated an outstanding performance over 10 years. I needed to prove to myself that whilst I did not invite the ba*@%*rd lodger and his band of dirty squatters into my life, I could take some control over regaining my routines away from the endless appointments and treatment regimes. I needed to know that I could still be effective in the job I loved and was very good at. The other real issue was of course that whilst I was really lucky that my government employment meant I was entitled to sick pay and other benefits, this does not last for ever. My last chemotherapy was at the end of August, and I returned to work in early November. Not that long.

I now know that cancer is covered under the Equality Act 2010 as it is recognised as a disability and that employers are to ensure they make reasonable adjustments for you. They are to be kind, thoughtful and should understand the impact a life affecting illness has on a person, especially when you consider that cancer affects 1 in 2 people and particularly because I am employed by the largest organisation of social workers. Sadly, my experience since my diagnosis has not always been positive.

I knew that my treatment had taken a tremendous toll on me. The surgery had left its physical scars and the chemotherapy had taken me apart, broken me down and made me vulnerable. The potential for future reoccurrence preyed on my emotionally and psychologically. It continues to do so even as I write these words. Fear and anxiety about my future and what it may look like is a constant worry.. it’s like the bloody splinter in the tip of your finger that you know is there but just can’t get to. If I let those thoughts consume me then it could take me to very dark places. The daily medication is hard going. Such a tiny pill that creates so many other ailments that I need to take other pills and twice-yearly infusions to counteract the side effects! I never even took vitamin supplements before the ba@*%rd lodger unknowingly slid into my life.

I’m almost three years since my primary diagnosis and a little over two since my active treatment ended (although I have had other risk reducing surgeries). I have spent many hours thinking about who I am now. I look the same on the outside, I have the same family and friends, I have the same job and my life continues with the same stresses and lovable, enjoyable moments. We take the same holidays and my love of listening to live music, shopping, eating nice foods, having my hair and nails done is the same. My life has continued to tick by…. But I am not the same. I am different. The easiest way to explain that I used to see most things in technicolour, now it feels on most days a dreary rainbow in varying shades of grey. My view on life is simpler, other people’s drama and worry pales into insignificance. I used to be really patient. I don’t feel that way anymore.

I am learning to accept the new me. I was so desperate to ‘get back to the ‘old Clare’. But I now know that is never going to happen. I cannot return to the ‘old Clare’ as I will never be her again. I am changed irrevocably, and I am unapologetic about that.

I have learnt that when you have had a diagnosis and you have successfully completed treatment people think you are ‘better’. They no longer think about the trauma you have lived through and presume that you must be ‘grateful’ to be out of treatment. I can only assume it is partly because they are relieved that you survived and partly because they wouldn’t want to upset you by talking about it. Maybe it is because they find it too distressing. Of course I am grateful, but I am also bloody angry, utterly pi@$ed off that I had to go through this.. that I have experienced the uncertainty of life and sharply grasped the fragility of my own mortality. The consequences of my cancer, the BRCA gene and the implications for my children cause me enormous GUILT, for the worry I have piled upon them and GUILT because I worry that if this ba@*%rd disease returns how would they manage without me. Cancer is an unseen illness and living with the aftereffects are even greater.

I am perplexed that my employer lacked any empathy and had a very limited understanding of the enormous impact of a cancer diagnosis. What saddened me most was that I had always thought they cared. That they valued the people they worked alongside and for. I presumed they had the same respect for others that I had. I was utterly floored at their insensitivity, and it was obvious that they applied the same process to me as that of someone with say a hip replacement.

The world was in a different place and the widespread social and political landscape was demanding issues such as race, gender, sexuality and equality be heard whilst grappling with the global pandemic. My employer failed to recognise the significance of a disease that statistically is ‘the most common cancer in women in the UK, with one woman diagnosed every 10 minutes. Around 55,000 women and 370 men are diagnosed with breast cancer every year in the UK. In England, every year around 46,000 people are diagnosed with breast cancer (source).

• You should have an occupational health assessment to consider the best phased return for you. This assessment will also identify any important adjustments for you in the longer term, within your role or physical environment.

• Cancer charities can advise and support you. I have found Maggie’s really helpful. There are other places also.

• Check out your employer’s cancer policy. If they don’t have one Maggie’s offer courses to HR and managers to educate them about how to support their employees after a diagnosis in regard to a return to work.

• If you are paid for holidays via your employer, maybe use some of your annual leave to buy you some time before returning to work. As I found out if you book your entitlement, you return to ‘‘paid full salary’ meaning that your sick pay ceases and your wage packet should feel much healthier.

• If you have a partner or family member who is in paid employment and is looking after you during your treatement, get them to check out their employers carers policy. They may be entitled to special leave, If you dont ask, you dont get.

So, my active treatment has finished and I’m embracing my best life. I am so grateful to the Nhs for my treatment and care. My own goal was to get to my 50th birthday. I’ll be honest, I did not think at the beginning that my body would let me live. There is a huge distinction between what you want and the restrictions your physical body holds you down with. I do believe however that my ‘glass half full’ approach helped. Never is a problem insurmountable and that has helped me through. My values as a human being and as a social worker have overlapped. I am not one without the other and so as a tool to help my family and close friends understand my experience (as it all took place when the covid pandemic was at its most restricted) I created a picture book.

It is a photographic diary of my battle with the ba*@%rd lodger and his gang of filthy squatters. This book was so well received by my family and friends at my 50th birthday celebrations that it sparked the idea behind this page. The more professionals I engaged with, the more positive comments I received. My breast care nurse told me that my book helped her understand the human side of a cancer diagnosis rather than just the medical treatment perspective; she asked to borrow it to use within their team for training. Kaz from Lincolnshire Mastectomy Art also asked for a copy of the book as she thought other ladies going through cancer treatment would benefit from some of the handy tips I had found.

I thought I had managed my diagnosis and treatment really well. Not only that but making sure my children, partner, family and friends were protected whilst I was going through my treatment. It was only in October of 2021 when I cut my thumb and my left arm became infected that I realised that I had not properly processed everything that had happened to me. The realisation that I was a different person that had different strengths and new vulnerabilities was frightening. My fear of reoccurrence is HUGE for me. I decided to seek help.

I sought support from Maggie’s a cancer charity across the length and breadth of the country. I didn’t need to make an appointment, it’s a free drop-in centre where you can access their support irrespective of the time since treatment and diagnosis. I called in for a cuppa and an initial chat to see if it was the right thing for me. I’ve never had counselling or even considered it before. In my professional role I recommend and praise the positives all the time. It was time to take some of my own advice and step outside of my comfort zone. The team is non-judgemental, knowledgeable but more importantly kind. These spaces are wonderfully calming, and some buildings have won design awards. They offer a range of support for all kind of cancers and their psychological support is free. I have spent 1-hour weekly sessions since January 2022; I found it challenging (after all I am the fixer). Family and friends come to me for advice and support. Handing over my deepest anxieties and worries, sharing was hard. There is no time limit, and you attend until it’s mutually agreed you no longer require their support.

As a way of paying back I decided I would complete a sponsored fire walk for Maggie’s Yorkshire and I’m proud to say that I raised over £700 You can check out the just giving pager here. It was amazing and I’m very proud of my achievement.

Now I saw the MastecoME Beauty Project and wanted to be a part of it. Life after a diagnosis has left me feeling conflicted in many ways some of which are detailed on this site…..but most importantly in regard to the changes in my body confidence. Alison and Anya created this project for ladies that have undergone mastectomy surgery and to celebrate all things beautiful about themselves. Each chosen lady was provided with hair, make up, body art and styling for the purposes of a photo shoot. At the end of the project the photographs will be exhibited to show the glorious strength, beauty and courage of women that have been through a cancer diagnosis and surgery. There will also be a calendar (I can’t wait for that to be published). I had an amazing day…. I wanted to take part and share my image to show that we are still beautiful even if we have been taken apart and then rebuilt (if we’ve chosen that option). I have learnt that when the topic of breast cancer and specifically mastectomy surgery is discussed the focus automatically refers to the body part that you have lost, rather than recognising and celebrating the life we still have. I hope that all the ladies images will inspire others to feel beautiful about themselves and focus on the women they are rather than forever mourning the loss of our body part.

Anya and Alison are bloody brilliant at what they do and the images they produce are of spectacular quality. If this project was to empower and build confidence in us ladies, I can assure you that having the opportunity to be part of this achieved it all. I felt amazing and for a while my lopsided foobs were embraced as objects to be celebrated.

You can donate to the project by following the above link.